Spaced Invaders: Act 1

[battlecruiser interior, group of aliens confront a Political Officer]

Martian Fleet Commander 3: Where is the Admiral? He summoned us here.
Martian Poltical Officer: The Admiral's tour of duty has ended.
Martian Fleet Commander 2: And what of the Admiral himself?
Martian Poltical Officer: He has been subjected to disciplinary termination. I have assumed command. This battlegroup has consistently suffered the greatest casualties of any attack force in the fleet. For this reason, His Majesty has sent me to take direct control of our attack on the Arcturus system. To ensure our complete success, all ships throughout the galaxy have been equipped with enforcer drones, to remove any weak links in the command chain. Any deviation from the Master Invasion Plan will result in immediate disciplinary review.

Martian Fleet Commander 3: This is outrageous, the tide of battle can change in seconds, making battle plans useless. I'll not sent my boys out to Arcturus with an Enforcer Drone breathing down my neck.

[Enforcer Drone vaporises Martian Fleet Commander 3]

Martian Fleet Commander 2: I will.
Martian Fleet Commander 1: Me too, no problem.

[cut to scene of fleet departing into hyperspace]

[cut to road sign saying "Welcome to Big Bean Illinois: Use our new off-ramp, Exit 153-A", sign is topped by a huge string bean that waves and smiles]

Casting by

Barbara Remsen, CSA

Anne Remsen Manners

Makeup Effects and

Animatronics by

Griswell and Johnson Effects

[Vern is just finishing sign, surprised by the Sheriff's truck passing at speed]

Vern: Oh!

[cut to scene of Sheriff's truck in town]

Director of Photography

James L Carter

Edit by

Seth Gaven

and

Daniel Gross

Music Composed and

Conducted by

David Russo

Screenplay by

Patrick Read Johnson

and

Scott Lawrence Alexander

[Sheriff parks and exits truck in town]

Sheriff Oxley: Morning.
Townperson 1: Morning.
Sheriff Oxley: [into walkie talkie] Hey Russell, anybody need a sheriff while I've been gone.
Deputy Russell: [from walkie talkie] Most folks don't even know we've got one yet.
Sheriff Oxley: Great, that's the way I like it. What are you up to?
Deputy Russell: I'm set up, out here, by the off ramp

[cut Deputy Russell in car near the ramp]

Sheriff Oxley: What for?
Deputy Russell: I'm going to catch Big Bean's, first speeder.
Sheriff Oxley: Ah ha, well at least I know where to forward your Christmas present.
Deputy Russell: Ho ho ho.

[Sheriff gets a cola from a vending machine and sits down, town is all quiet]

Line Producer

John S Curran

Executive Producer

Georgy Zecevic

[beaten up pickup bumps to a stop in front of him]

Produced by Luigi Cingolani

[Mr Wrenchmuller emerges with shotgun, Sheriff gets up to follow him]

Sheriff Oxley: Excuse me.
Mr Wrenchmuller: You're excused.
Sheriff Oxley: What seems to be the problem?

[Mr Wrenchmuller turns to point shotgun at Sheriff Oxley]

Mr Wrenchmuller: Nothing these two barrels can't solve.

[Sheriff Oxley goes for his gun]

Sheriff Oxley: Now hold on a second, why don't you just give me the gun.
Mr Wrenchmuller: 'cause I'm a crazy desperate old man and I'm just as likely to blow you out of your socks as to give you the time of day. Now what do you think of that?
Sheriff Oxley: I think it would be a damned shame to have to shoot it out with you.
Mr Wrenchmuller: [smiles] Yeah I suppose it would. [hands gun over, Sheriff Oxley breaks it and finds it unloaded]
Mr Wrenchmuller: I was just going to scare him.
Sheriff Oxley: Scared me. Here. [gives gun back]

Directed by Patrick Read Johnson

Sheriff Oxley: So what's going on with you and the Farmers Trust.
Mr Wrenchmuller: [gets out paper, gives it to Sheriff Oxley] This here is what's going on. Look at it, and look there, and there...
Sheriff Oxley: All right! Just let me read it OK?
Mr Wrenchmuller: Fine, you just go ahead. There ain't nobody can do anything about that now, no way.

[Mr Klembecker emerges from Farmers Trust building]

Mr Klembecker: It's true.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Klambaker!
Mr Klembecker: That's Klembecker! [turns to Sheriff Oxley] Steve W Klembecker, president of the Farmers Trust.

Mr Wrenchmuller: Farmers Trust! My Aunt Suzie's rear end [lunges at Mr Klembecker and is stopped by Sheriff Oxley]

Mr Klembecker: One of the forward thinking businessmen in this community who helped to convince the town council that we needed a new sheriff.
Mr Wrenchmuller: We never needed a sheriff before you showed up you crook. [lunges at Mr Klembecker again]
Sheriff Oxley: Hold it now, wait. [turns to Mr Klembecker] Did you send this letter?
Mr Klembecker: Yeah, I believe that my signature, right there.
Sheriff Oxley: "I'm afraid the party's over"?
Mr Klembecker: The party's over, that's correct. You see, as per Mr Wrenchmuller's loan agreement, the credit union has full legal right to assume control of the property in question, tomorrow at noon. Unless of course he can come up with the cash or a crop to sign over.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Nobody's got a crop.
Sheriff Oxley: There's nothing you can do with Mr Wrenchmuller's property until next season, why not give him a chance...
Mr Klembecker: Sheriff Oxley...

[Mr Klembecker descends step, notices he's about a foot shorter than Sheriff Oxley, climbs step again]

Mr Klembecker: Sheriff Oxley, you are new here, so let me clue you in on something. You see we have direct highway access now and the opportunity to turn this town into a thriving metropolis. [Mr Wrenchmuller starts searching his pockets, presumably for shotgun shells] So unless you've got enough money to pay off all the overdue loans around here, maybe you should just stick to the kind of cause we hired you to handle, [glares at Mr Wrenchmuller] like keeping vagrants off the street.

[Mr Wrenchmuller lunges at Mr Klembecker again and is stopped by Sheriff Oxley]

Mr Klembecker: If you would.
Sheriff Oxley: We'll deal with this in the morning at the courthouse. Come on Mr Wrenchmuller.

[Mr Klembecker leaves and Sheriff Oxley pulls Mr Wrenchmuller away]

Mr Wrenchmuller: Ain't you kind of big for a boy scout. [grabs paper off Sheriff Oxley] I can take care of myself. [storming away leaving Sheriff Oxley on his own]
Sheriff Oxley: Happy Halloween Big Bean.

The Arcturus System

[fleet is taking heavy damage, cut to inside of command ship]

Martian Officer: Sir, the Arcturans have destroyed the remainder of the fleet. I've sent a distress signal to all ships across the galaxy, but, we're heading straight into their sun and our engines are about to explode!
Enforcer Drone: I have not yet begun to fight.
Martian Officer: Now would be a great time to start! Ah arrrgghhh!!!!

[ship explodes]

[cut to Sheriff Oxley's new house, boxes everywhere, Sheriff Oxley and Kathy sitting on floor]

Sheriff Oxley: So, how was school today?
Kathy: OK. How was sheriffing?
Sheriff Oxley: OK. You really don't like it here, do you Kathy?
Kathy: Everything was starting to get back to normal, then we just decided to move, just like that.
Sheriff Oxley: It's a good job.
Kathy: Now there's nothing to do.
Sheriff Oxley: There's trick or treat.
Kathy: You're sending me out with a bunch of kids I don't even know.
Sheriff Oxley: It's just for tonight, somebody's got to keep the streets safe.
Kathy: From what? Cows!

[Sheriff Oxley laughs]

Kathy: Do we have any crazy glue?
Sheriff Oxley: Yeah, I think it's in that box.

[Kathy starts rummaging, finds picture of her family, including her mum]

Sheriff Oxley: What's the matter now?
Kathy: Everyone's probably going to show up dressed like scarecrows and pigs and clowns and stuff.
Sheriff Oxley: So?
Kathy: I'm not sure Big Bean is ready for aliens.

[cut to radio station, it's now night]

[Disc Jockey sneezes]

Disc Jockey: Oh. Sorry about that folks. Well this being Halloween night I thought it'd be fun to dust off an old favourite from the golden days of radio. Fifty years ago tonight a man named Orson Welles gave a depressed nation a few hours of desperately needed fun. And, things being the way they are these days, we could sure use a little of that. So Big Bean, just for tonight, forget your woes and just have a good time.
Record: The Columbia Broadcasting System and its affiliated stations present Orson Welles and the Mercury Theatre on the Air in the "War of the Worlds". [music and scenes of moon rise] Ladies and gentlemen, the director of the Mercury theatre and the star of these broadcasts, Orson Welles.
Orson Welles: We know now that in the early years of the 20th century, this world was being watched closely by intelligences greater than Man's, and yet as mortal as his own. [various scenes of Big Bean residents getting ready for Halloween] We know now that as human beings busied themselves about their various concerns, they were scrutinised and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinise the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacence, people went to and fro on the Earth about their little affairs, serene in their assurance of their dominion over this small, spinning fragment of solar driftwood, which by chance or design, man has inherited out of the dark mystery of time and space. Yet across an immense ethereal gulf, minds that are to our minds as ours are to the beasts in the jungle, intellects vast cool and unsympathetic, regarded this Earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.

[cut to asteroid patrol ship]

Meanwhile...

Somewhere near Mars...

Corporal Pez: Hey I heard a distress signal. I know I did. Asteroid Patrol Ship X59-YPQ to Battlegroup 7, come in. It's like the fleet just disappeared. Maybe it's just interference, get us out of the rocks.
Blaznee: We're almost clear. OK, hit it.

[ship deploys antennae]

Orson Welles: Ladies and gentlemen I have an incredible announcement to make. Incredible as it might seem, both the observations of science and the evidence of our own eyes lead to the inevitable conclusion that the beings that landed in the Jersey farmyard tonight are the vanguard of an invading army from Mars.

[entire crew laughs maniacally and ship heads off in direction of signal]

[cut to group of oldies on porch in Big Bean, Orson Welles playing in the background]

Old Person 1: You know, I remember the first time they played that thing.
Old Person 2: You remember pterodactyls.
Old Person 1: And I can remember you fell for that, hook line and sinker.
Old Person 2: Oh, I did not.
Old Person 3: You did so. You put a big bucket on your head and took off with them army boys to fight Martians.
Old Person 2: Ain't you dead yet.

[cut to scene outside a normal house, Sheriff Oxley is dropping off Kathy for trick or treating]

Kathy: Can't I just stay with you and fight crime.
Sheriff Oxley: I'll see you later at the school club dinner. Give us a kiss. [one arrives] That's my girl.
Kathy: I should have come as a wedge of cheese. I'm probably the only alien for a billion miles.

[cut to patrol ship, full of manically laughing aliens]

[cut to Deputy Russell still waiting for his speeder, Orson Welles on radio]

Deputy Russell: [turns on video camera] Hi Mum, Dad, welcome to another thrilling true life episode of "Russell Pilsbury, Deputy Sheriff". I'm parked out here by Big Bean's new off-ramp and will soon be giving away the cities first speeding ticket. Who will be the lucky winner?

[alien ship descending]

[Mr Wrenchmuller, in his house, shares last dog biscuit with Jim, his dog]

Mr Wrenchmuller: We gotta get us the money, or they're gonna kick us outta here, and then we'll have to go live with my sister Marge and her poodle.
Jim: Bark!
Mr Wrenchmuller: [looks out window] Why did I have to go and get old. [turns away, window shows descending ship with voices of aliens]

[back to Deputy Russell, in a tizz because his speed gun has gone off, turns on camera again]

Deputy Russell: It's 8:15 PM, October 31st. I've just been alerted to a speed violation in progress. Watch now as I teach this automotive scoff-law a lesson in motor vehicular responsibility. Nobody gets away with going 3000 miles per hour in a 55 mile per hour z-z-... [checks readout] neh!

[bright light, ship flashes by, car is wasted]

[back to oldies on porch, Orson Welles playing in the background again]

Old Person 3: Don't supposed we'll see another night like that again, will we?
Old Person 2: Not likely.
Old Person 1: Nope.

[ship flashes by, oldies dragged to end of porch by wash]

Old Person 3: I'll get the bucket.

[Mr Wrenchmuller is awaken by ship landing, he wanders outside]

Mr Wrenchmuller: Damn, termites are munching on our barn. Now we're going to have to do something before they ruin it. Come on Jim.

[cut to inside barn, ship has landed, is making all sorts of sad noises]

[cut to inside ship, aliens remove helmets, Blaznee is wearing 3D glasses underneath]

Corporal Pez: Who taught you to drive you moron!
Captain Bipto: Nice landing Blaznee.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Are we there, is this it?
Blaznee: Kids, 3D and driving just don't mix.

Corporal Pez: Welcome to Earth, enjoy it while it lasts!
Blaznee: Are you sure this is where the fleet is.
Corporal Pez: You heard the Earthling's pathetic radio broadcast, look out for that heatray, help us, help us, we're all doing to die. [maniacal laughter] They got that right. [titter]
Lieutenant Giggywig: Blaznee, this is the place, we're here, now let's start enjoying ourselves a little. Now let's manoeuvre in a little closer to the action, strafe the local citizenry a little before we land.
Blaznee: Sorry, no can do.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Why not?
Blaznee: Well let's see, we've got a torqued out digiframis, our megaspaz redundancy pile is on the blink, and it looks like we bruise our boo-boo.

Lieutenant Giggywig: [to Captain Bipto] He's making the whole ass bit us, there's no such thing. Coward!
Blaznee: [confidently] Ha ha ha!
Corporal Pez: Come on, let's kick some Earthling butt.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Finally a real mission.
Blaznee: Maybe we better think this over huh?
Lieutenant Giggywig: Goodbye civilian asteroid patrol, hello Atomic Space Navy.
Blaznee: But the fleet was supposed to be attacking Arcturus.
Lieutenant Giggywig: The plan to attack Arcturus was obviously a clever decoy for real operation, the total annihilation of all things human. Now, quit raining on our parade.

[quick shot of Mr Wrenchmuller emerging from house with bug spray]

Blaznee: But why? Why would Mars want to attack the puny insignificant forces of Earth?
Others: [now in red camouflage gear] Because we win!

Lieutenant Giggywig: Prepare to die Earth scum!
Corporal Pez: Where is everybody!?!
Captain Bipto: Out blowing up all the good stuff, come on men!
Mr Wrenchmuller: [ducking behind object] I think we brought the wrong gun.
Doctor Ziplock: It certainly is green here, perhaps our camouflage is somewhat inappropriate.
Mr Wrenchmuller: Come on Jim.

[Mr Wrenchmuller regains house, cut back inside ship, Blas talks to Enforcer Drone]

Blaznee: Just for the record...
Enforcer Drone: I'm listening.
Blaznee: I thought this was a bad idea.
Enforcer Drone: Just for the record, you'd better hope not.

[menacing shot of Enforcer Drone]

[cut to Mr Wrenchmuller's house, Mr Wrenchmuller rummaging through magazines]

Mr Wrenchmuller: May, June, July, August, 15, 18... There's Martians, I knew it! Oh well Jim, it looks as if me and you is the Earth's only hope. That's kinda sad, ain't it? Well I guess it's better to die horrible agonising deaths defending the Earth, than to wither away with Marge and her poodle.
Jim: Bark, bark! [Jim wanders away and returns with rat trap]
Mr Wrenchmuller: Well that's the spirit.
Jim: Bark!
Mr Wrenchmuller: We got work to do.

[cut to shot of magazine cover showing �the story the world has been waiting for� along with picture of the Martians]

[cut to the actual Martians in exactly the same pose]

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Quinn "The Eskimo!"
16 Feb 1998