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Spaced Invaders: Act 2

[cut to shot of magazine cover showing Òthe story the world has been waiting forÓ along with picture of the Martians]

[Martians on crest of hill, silhouetted by rising moon]

Captain Bipto: What do you make of it Doctor?
Doctor Ziplock: Well it's long, flat and has yellow lines down it, that can only mean one thing!
Lieutenant Giggywig: It's a minefield.
Doctor Ziplock: I was going to say a country road.
Lieutenant Giggywig: That's what they want us to think. Let me tell you something, one false move and caboom, you'll be going home in several more pieces than you arrived. Corporal Pez...
Corporal Pez: What?
Lieutenant Giggywig: See if we can get across.
Corporal Pez: Why don't we go around?
Lieutenant Giggywig: Move!
Corporal Pez: I knew it, I'm going home in a bag. It's always the corporal that gets blown up first.
Captain Bipto: Wait! Doctor Ziplock, don't we have anything in the World Domination Kit to help us out here.
Doctor Ziplock: Well, let's see here.
Corporal Pez: This looks interesting.
Doctor Ziplock: Don't touch that.
Corporal Pez: Excuse me.
[Doctor Ziplock produces a launcher and fires it]
All Except Bipto: Hit the deck!
Captain Bipto: What?
Doctor Ziplock: Get down, stupid!

[Scout in a Can lands and deploys, cute little robot thing]

Lieutenant Giggywig: What in the name of Uncle Martin is that?
Doctor Ziplock: Scout in a Can, smart, efficient, easy to use and it's expendable! [tosses away launcher]

[Captain Bipto, seeing it's safe, wanders out on to the road]

Captain Bipto: Minefield indeed, what a bunch of twinky stuffing. Lieutenant Giggywig, really you give these simple Earthlings far too much credit.

[car comes by and takes Captain Bipto out, much commotion]

Corporal Pez: Captain Bipto, Captain Bipto, ...
Lieutenant Giggywig: What happened?
Corporal Pez: Some-kind-of-secret-weapon-just-came-out-of-nowhere-and-took-Captain-Bipto-to-his-dooooommm!!! [falls over]

[Doctor Ziplock is lost for words]

Lieutenant Giggywig: [charges up weaponry] Come back Earth scum!

[cut to scene of Fuel Dispensing Depot (a gas station) where Zoro is filling the tank for the Sheriff Oxley]

Vern: Will there be anything else, senor?
Sheriff Oxley: Yeah, could you get the windshield for me please?
Vern: It would be my pleasure.
Sheriff Oxley: Who are you supposed to be?
Vern: I am, [makes Z sign on the windscreen with the cleaning spray] El Zoro!

[cut to neighbourhood house, full of kids, where Kathy is sitting outside, all alone, in her alien costume]

Kathy: See Kathy sit. See Kathy sit alone. See Kathy grow cobwebs and fossilise in boredom.

[cut to alien attack party, in bushes outside the house]

Corporal Pez: Our first target, think I can hit from here.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Wait a minute.
Corporal Pez: Come on, let's shoot something already.

[back to Kathy outside house, joined by Brian]

Brian: Wow, that's the best alien costume I've ever seen!
Kathy: Thanks, I like yours too.
Brian: My Mom made it. She really went to a lot of trouble.
Kathy: What are you supposed to be anyway?
Brian: I'm a duck.

[back to aliens]

Corporal Pez: Who died and left you in charge?
Lieutenant Giggywig: Captain Bipto.

[back to kids]

Kathy: I'm Kathy.
Brian: I'm Brian. Nice to meet you. So where did a nice girl like you learn how to make something so mind-numbingly terrifying.
Kathy: I spent some time with my uncle this summer. He works in the movies making zombies and monsters and stuff. I learned all about it. I wanted to stay and work for him, but I had to come here with my Dad.
Brian: Where's your mom?
Kathy: She died last May.
Brian: Gee I'm sorry, that's too bad. So it's just you and your Dad huh?
Kathy: Yeah, and some goldfish.
Brian: Well if you ever need a little brother, just give me a call.

[Mrs Vanderspool emerges from building]

Mrs Vanderspool: All right you two, it's time to go. Come on. [look at Brian, titter] How cute! [shocked look at Kathy] [in disdainful voice] How lovely.

[cut to gas station, Mr Klembecker's pickup arrives]

Mr Klembecker: Come on Vern, hurry it up. I've got a cold beer and a hot woman and I'm trying to get them that way.
Vern: Yes Mr Klembecker, fill it up?
Mr Klembecker: Yeah yeah yeah, and get the windows. [mauls girl in car] Warm enough, sweet cheeks? [burps, turns on radio]

[Vern wipes windows, approaching G]

Vern: Hi Dody.

[she smiles, Mr Klembecker winds up window, trapping Vern's hat, Vern struggles and eventually leaves hat stuck in the window]

Mr Klembecker: What are you supposed to be?
Vern: Ow, nothing, ... just Zoro.
Mr Klembecker: Well Zoro's got a hat, you dope. [laughs, swigs beer]
Vern: Gee Mr Klembecker, looks like you hit something.

[Mr Klembecker sprays beer on windscreen in surprise and emerges from car]

Mr Klembecker: [to girl] Clean that up! [looks at bonnet] Oh man, get that offa there.

[Vern sprays it with windscreen spray]

Mr Klembecker: That ain't gonna work. [grabs snow shovel] Here, use this. [gets back into car] When's my caddie gonna be done?
Vern: Oh, you can pick it up tomorrow.
Mr Klembecker: Good, and it better be clean.
Vern: It's clean, and I polished it up like you said to. [finishes scraping front of car] Urgh! [walk around to side] 13 gallons at $1.10 a gallon, that'll be...
Mr Klembecker: [drives off] Catch you later OK pal!
Vern: Yes Mr Klembecker, you butt head. [looks around to see if anyone notices that]

[back to aliens near the house]

Lieutenant Giggywig: Right, you take the left flank, I'll take the right.
Corporal Pez: You always get the right flank!
Lieutenant Giggywig: We've never done this before idiot.

[they run out to the house]

Corporal Pez: Hey, what's with all the happy sounds?
Lieutenant Giggywig: They're giddy with fear!
Doctor Ziplock: Hey, look there.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Get back, lock and load.

[a pile of kids emerge from the house]

Doctor Ziplock: Shorter than I thought they'd be.
Corporal Pez: Right, let's take 'em out.

[Mrs Vanderspool follows kids]

Doctor Ziplock: What if they come in small, medium and large.
Corporal Pez: Wow, a dinosaur.
Mrs Vanderspool: Oh, soooo cute, you're all dressed the same.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Prepare to die Earth scum.
Mrs Vanderspool: [giggle] Maybe later. Have fun boys. [walks off]
Doctor Ziplock: Huh?
Lieutenant Giggywig: What? Come back here, I'm talking to you!

[Brian sees Scout in a Can from car window]

Brian: Hey, that's something you don't see every day.

Corporal Pez: What now Oh Mighty Leader.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Kill them! Kill them! [charges weapon, stares at Mrs Vanderspool] I said, prepare to die Earth scum. [Mrs Vanderspool shakes head]
Corporal Pez: Oh, now you got her, yep, she's definitely terrified. Oh boy.
Mrs Vanderspool: Now boys. Outta my way already, what's your problem.

[Mrs Vanderspool approaches Lieutenant Giggywig and disarms him, dragging him to the car by his antennae, Lieutenant Giggywig is incapacitated by crossed antennae]

Lieutenant Giggywig: Just wait a minute, you can't do that! ???
Doctor Ziplock: [to Corporal Pez] Shouldn't this pitiful Earthling be quivering in fear at our menacing faces and sinister looking weaponry?
Mrs Vanderspool: [to kids in car] Come on, make way for the others.
Corporal Pez: You'd think so, wouldn't you. Geez.
Doctor Ziplock: Well, just play along.
Mrs Vanderspool: Well, what are we tonight?
Corporal Pez: Martians.

Mrs Vanderspool: Oh yes, of course you are. Well get in.
Doctor Ziplock: Perhaps if we ride in this transport we can find their secret resistance headquarters.
Corporal Pez: Come on, let's shoot our way out of this. It'd be fun.
Doctor Ziplock: Shhsshh, they don't know we're Martians.
Corporal Pez: How can they not know we're Martians, we're little green men with antennas.
Doctor Ziplock: They think we're wearing costumes.
Corporal Pez: What a bunch of morons. Let's flame these bozos, they're too stupid to live!
Mrs Vanderspool: [seating herself in the car] Well, we have a full tank of gas, and lots of empty bags, what shall we do?
Kids: Trick or Treat!
Kid: Smell my feet.
Kids: [cheer] Oh right!
Corporal Pez: Oh great.
Doctor Ziplock: Trick or what?

[cut to gas station, now quiet]

[see a pair of antennae raise up of the ground]

[cut to inside, Vern working at a desk, pouring over plans]

Vern: Sick and tired of that old jerk Klembecker, pushing everyone around. That's it, I'm gonna finished the plans for this Farmzoid of mine and some day I'm going to be able to irrigate every field farms in town and make all the farms healthy again. And I'll just pick up that Farmers Trust of his and drop kick it into the next county. He thinks he's such a hot shot. It will work...

[Captain Bipto sneaks up behind Vern and places a device on his neck, Vern collapses, Captain Bipto laughs manically, after some sparks Vern rises from the ground, sprouting gibberish, he's converted into Verndroid, he stomps from the room]

Captain Bipto: Wait, you are my robot slave, and you will follow my every command.

Verndroid: Yes Captain Bipto, however my new allegiance to his Imperial Majesty might come to light if I neglect my regular patrons. We must keep up the appearance of a normal functioning Fuel Dispensing Depot, while we act as undercover agents of Mars. [salutes with hand on chest, Captain Bipto looks puzzled, horn honks] I will be right back.

Verndroid: [shouted into window of customer's car, it's the oldies with buckets on their heads] Welcome to the Gas King Fuel Dispensing Depot. How may I be of assistance?

Captain Bipto: [still inside talks into transmitter which is arcing to something metal on his head] Captain Bipto to the invasion force. Captain Bipto to the invasion force. [he pulls off the pickup trucks bonnet logo which is embedded in his forehead]

Captain Bipto: [joining Verndroid outside] Verndroid, I can't contact the ship, or the invasion force. I can only assume the worst. We must build an attack vehicle, something that will strike terror into whomever sets eyes upon it, [Verndroid stomps inside] something with huge wheels, so we can crush the panicking populace, something from which I can overlook the battlefield and direct our victorious invasion force.
Verndroid: [returns with his model farmzoid] Something like this?
Captain Bipto: Actually I was thinking of something a bit larger.

[back to the car full of kids and Martians]

Kathy: Those guys are definitely not from around here.
Brian: No kidding [grabs Scout in a Can] look at this thing.
Kathy: Hey.
Brian: I know what I'm getting for Christmas.
Kathy: Hey, give him here. [grabs Scout in a Can]
Brian: Ah lighten up, it's just a stupid toy.
Kathy: [cradles Scout in a Can] You're not a toy at all, are you?
Brian: I sure hope you're making a move like that.

Mrs Vanderspool: All right, first stop. Everybody got their bags? Good. Now remember, look both ways before crossing the street.
Corporal Pez: So that's the trick.
Doctor Ziplock: Ah, if only Captain Bipto had known.
Brian: [to Kathy] You're going to love this guy.

[kids show up to Mr Klembecker's door, ring on bell]

Kid 1: I wonder what Klembecker is going to give us this year.
Kid 2: I hope it's not dead rats, my Mom had a cow last time.

[Mr Klembecker emerges in Viking gear]

Mr Klembecker: What!!!
Kids: Trick or treat.
Mr Klembecker: Yeah, I forgot, hold on. [reemerges with goodies, tosses them to kids] Here's one for you, one for you, plenty to go around.
Kids: Cigarettes?
Mr Klembecker: OK, forget it! [slams door]

[cut to Mr Wrenchmuller's barn, loud alien music emerging from within, Blaznee is grooving, hears noise outside, he goes out to investigate]

Blaznee: Hello? Hello? [looks at rat trap with chocolate bar for bait] Well well well, what have we here. [looks around]
Mr Wrenchmuller: [spying on Blaznee behind hay bale, Blaznee returns to ship] Damn, must be some kind of health food nut. We're going to make a bazillion dollars on this story. And two bazillion on the pictures. [tries camera] Damn, the flash don't work. And where are we gonna get batteries at this time of night. We've gotta hurry, there's no telling what them wily space creatures are up to now.

[back to gas station, sounds of mechanical work come from inside]

Verndroid: The smell of battery acid makes me thirsty. Oh with all their advanced technology, look at the pitiful conveyances these Earth people construct. [lifts engine out of car] This one generates a mere 250 horsepower. Our attack vehicle will cause their eyes to shoot out of their heads in fear.
Captain Bipto: We've got to hurry, who knows what unspeakable terrors have befallen my troops.

[back to car]

Corporal Pez: Wow, what a haul, this is great.
Mrs Vanderspool: Sid, turn around.
Doctor Ziplock: Hmm, mmm.
Sid: [looking at Lieutenant Giggywig] This kid's gonna barf. Hey, are you going to barf? I think he's gonna barf, Mom.
Mrs Vanderspool: Sit down!
Sid: OK, but if he barfs your hairdo is history.
Mrs Vanderspool: Do I know you boys?
Corporal Pez: They're on to us! Hey, snap out of it, we've gotta get out of here.
Mrs Vanderspool: I would like an answer young man.
Corporal Pez: [holding Heat Seeking Populous Annihilator] Have I got an answer for you.
Mrs Vanderspool: Perhaps I'll have to remove those little heads of yours and find out for myself.
Corporal Pez: Hey, how do you fire this thing.
Doctor Ziplock: No, not that one, not like that idiot.
Corporal Pez: Whoah! [rocket flies out of car window, car fills with smoke]

[Mr Wrenchmuller and Jim in car, rushing to get batteries]

Mr Wrenchmuller: You hear that, them Martians are starting their attack.

[in the gas station]

Captain Bipto: Ah the carnage begins, I love it! Hurry, I want to get in on all the fun.

[back to car, screeching to halt]

Kid 1: You jerk, you ruined my pig suit.
Mrs Vanderspool: Don't mess with me kid, you wouldn't like me when I'm mad.
Doctor Ziplock: Ahem.
Kathy: [to Scout in a Can] Where are you really from? [Scout in a Can displays picture of Mars]
Mrs Vanderspool: Now tell me who you are or by tomorrow morning they're going to be printing your pictures on milk cartons.
Kathy: They're my cousins...
Kids: Excuse me!
Kathy: ... from California.
Doctor Ziplock: [gives thumbs up sign] Dude!
Kathy: That's Clutch [Lieutenant Giggywig], that's Skinner...
Doctor Ziplock: Yo.
Kathy: ... and that's Peddalfoot.
Corporal Pez: Hi.
Kathy: They're surfers.
Mrs Vanderspool: If they're your cousins, why didn't you say so in the first place, hmm?
Kids: Yeah, hmm?
Kathy: I'm new here, and I don't really know anyone, I didn't think they'd be any trouble.
Mrs Vanderspool: Now now, no real harm is done. Boys you are more than welcome in my country squire provided you save those missile attacks for a more suitable occasion.
Doctor Ziplock: Ah, yes ma'am.

[Mrs Vanderspool resumes driving]

Brian: I don't mean to pry but would you mind telling me exactly what's going on here.
Kathy: These guys are from a lot further away than California.

[Lieutenant Giggywig starts waking up]

Brian: Before you continue I think I should remind you that I'm just a little boy and quite susceptible to nightmares.
Lieutenant Giggywig: [wakes up] Arrrgggghhh!!!!! What?
Mrs Vanderspool: All right, that's it! I gave you another chance but since you can't behave I guess we just have to call it a night and take everyone home.

Lieutenant Giggywig: What's all this then? [looks at Mrs Vanderspool] Oh yes, you. Prepare to die Earth scum. Again.
Mrs Vanderspool: Oh I think you've made your point now sit down and shut up so we can go home.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Look, when a vastly superior alien culture comes all this way to take over your world, certain basic laws of planetary conquest apply. For example, when someone points a Quad Vectored Hypo Thermic Cosmo Blaster at you, it's a fair bet you are about to become toast.
Mrs Vanderspool: Will you please sit down and be quiet.
Lieutenant Giggywig: Or perhaps in your case, a whole loaf of toast.

[car screeches to halt]

Lieutenant Giggywig: Uh oh.
Mrs Vanderspool: Get out!
Corporal Pez: Nice going big mouth.
Mrs Vanderspool: I said out!
Doctor Ziplock: I didn't do anything.
Mrs Vanderspool: I don't care, I want you all out of my car right this minute. Get out!
Corporal Pez: We're getting, we're getting, geez.
Mrs Vanderspool: I can be pushed and I can be pushed but I will not be smart-mouthed. Get out!
Corporal Pez: Ah, shut up you old bat.
Mrs Vanderspool: Young men with attitude like that should have no problem finding their own way home.
Kathy: I think I see my Dad's truck over there, you can let me and my friend out here.

Brian: What truck? I don't see any truck?
Kathy: [pinches his beak closed] Shhsshh, come on.
Mrs Vanderspool: Yeah, I think that would be best Miss Oxley.
Brian: Goodbye, thanks for a lovely evening, don't worry about us, we'll be fine out here, all alone in the dark.
Kathy: [to Scout in a Can, who rushes away to join aliens] Hey!
Brian: I don't know what's going on here but I've only got a half a bag of candy, so it better be good.

Corporal Pez: Happy now?
Lieutenant Giggywig: Oh well, who was the one who shot his Heat Seeking Populous Annihilator out the window, hmm?
Corporal Pez: Hey if you hadn't had a spaz attack...
Lieutenant Giggywig: She had my antenna.
Corporal Pez: Oh [further disparaging comments]
Kathy: [to Brian] OK, I'll give it to you straight. We're being invaded by Martians, I'm going to go follow them, you go get my Dad.
Brian: [grabs her] My sister gets half of whatever's in my bag, so you better be right.

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Quinn "The Eskimo!"
16 Feb 1998